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Woman, you’ll never cease to surprise me…

The following is something that I wrote a few years back published on another site… It’s the first in the series of few blogs I plan to relocate to this space…


Ever since Adam and Eve chose to take a bite of the “proverbial” Apple and lose the “proverbial” (is it?) Cherry, man has been searching for that one thing, which when found will unlock the mysteries of the female thought process. His search is still at the place where it began a few hundred thousand years ago. So if you are looking up this blog to try to get a few concrete ideas for a gift, with which you can floor your wife, well, you may be a trifle disappointed. I too am a mere man you see. The characters in this blog would love to be seen as fictional and resemblance to any person living or dead is purely because it was inevitable.


Many a times, I have been told that it is not the “gift” that matters it is the “thought” behind the gift that does. Like hell it does. Try explaining this funda to your wife who is chasing you down with the brand new fluorescent green high heeled shoes ( How could you have believed that doe-eyed sales girl at the shoe shop when she said that this was the ‘in thing”… ), that you bought it for her with a lot of nice thoughts. Try explaining it to your wife that She should not judge the value of your gift by the thickness of the “zari” (three and a half inches) on the “Kanjivaram” silk sari that you just gifted her (which incidentally is quarter an inch lesser than the one your neighbor’s wife’s sari). Instead, she should be judging it by the fact that your love for her is at twice as much as it is for the neighbors wife (I mean the love your neighbor has for his wife).

So one fine morning I looked at the date and quite accidentally remembered that it was my wife’s birthday, I got that familiar feeling in my stomach. “Oh my God another nerve wracking day of deciding a gift….”


I decided I would ask my friends for some advice. Isn’t that what friends are for… advising.

First one was my closest pal at work. He was a bachelor (lucky dog). He immediately said why don’t you cook her some good dinner. I was stumped. How do I tell him that, that is what most husbands do every evening irrespective of whether there is an occasion or not? He is after all someone who has high hopes from life. Then I did, I told him. He took it rather philosophically, I must admit. Why don't you make this one special; Candle lights, soft music et al… I could not help laughing at this one…due to the constant power trouble in my locality, most dinners we have are candle lit; more out of compulsion than out of choice. Without power there is no soft music, except for a possibility that I sing…and I can’t eat and sing at the same time (to be honest I can’t sing even while not eating). So that option is also out. He nodded and started “Then how about ” I was already on my way out thinking that this guy is of no use a very good friend might be but he is a bachelor let me try some married ones. As I was walking, something struck me, how about bribing the local authorities at the electricity office and ensuring that there will be power and maybe we could have one of those rare “CFL” dinners. It suddenly occurred that, for the money I spend bribing, I could probably buy her some diamonds , after all they say diamonds are a woman’s best friend (what are men then...?). I went in search of my next counselor.

This one was a married fellow. He looked harassed (sorry that I repeated the sentence). We looked at each other, the way two goats at the butchers would. There was empathy in his… I do not know what he found in mine. At best, it would have been confusion. I assessed his mood; he looked worried (the best a married man could look). Therefore, I decided that I would ask him before his mood changes.


I had not finished the question and he was up on his feet, yelling at me asking me to leave his office. I was taken aback, but I persisted, trying to calm him down. He refused to listen to me and started getting abusive. I had to count upon all my years of experience as a husband to stay calm. I was not going to leave him there, without knowing what was in his mind (after all, he is not my wife, is he??). My persistence paid off… he calmed down and came back to the “best that a married man can be” mood. Somewhere in the last month was his wedding anniversary. He shopped in the most expensive of malls and came home with a bag full of expensive and fashionable stuff. His wife who initially went gaga over him, slowly started getting annoyed, the sari was of the same shade as that of a churidar, she already had, the perfume – she found it too subtle, the lip stick was a shade too dark, why even the kajal was blacker than what black she used. For every gift she unwrapped, what started off as mild jibes grew in force and by the time she was getting to the last few, our man had already been hit by a couple of ‘make shift’ missiles (consisting of a few of the newly purchased gifts). There ended their anniversary celebrations. He has not talked to her since (now hey that is not a bad idea, said the mean mind in me). As I offered my condolences (what else can a married man do) and got up to move, he said in a prophetic voice “whatever you decide upon just see that you don’t buy anything even remotely related to clothes or fashion”.


My last counselor was a man who was married for more than 20 years. He looked peaceful. They say marriage troubles you only in the first few years after that you get used to it. I asked my question. What he said shocked me. He said he never bought gifts for his wife on her birthdays nor did she buy for his, instead they went out and bought themselves a gift on the other person’s birthday. Must have been the expression on my face, he asked son why would you buy a gift. After a couple of guesses, I got the answer, “joy”. Then he asked what would make you extremely happy, now this I answered at the first attempt; seeing my wife happy. To this, he said that is exactly what I was saying. On my birthday she goes and buys herself what she wants, she is happy and when I see her happy I am also happy and vice versa. Logical as it sounded, it also sounded a bit scary to try. Therefore, I just thanked him and went my way.

On my way home, I thought I should at least pick her a card. At the card shop, I found an inexpensive stuffed toy and remembered the day I had come there with my wife and her looking at this toy with some interest. I took a chance. I picked up the toy, a card and couple of red roses. I offered a small prayer in the Ganesh Temple at the street corner. My wife opened the door, with a foolish grin I said “Happy Birthday Darling” handing over the toy, the card and the roses (I do not remember the order). She seemed thrilled. She hugged me and said something like what a wonderful husband I was. I kissed her on her forehead and said “I LOVE YOU” and she whispered into my ears “that’s the most cherished gift you can ever give me”.


Woman, you’ll never cease to surprise me…


Ps: The author likes to believe that no wives have been hurt during the writing of this blog.

7 comments:

Rakesh Vanamali said...

Lol..... that was certainly humourous! Good post!

Thankfully, (I'll rub that in real well), I'm single!

But when I do tie the knot (get entagled i.e.), I hope I dont say "I was in peace and now I'm in pieces." ;)

Btw.....do visit my space when time permits!

Cheers!

Rakesh
http://almostsunday.blogspot.com

I Witness said...

Thanks Rakesh for stopping by and rubbing it in ... do enjoy it while it lasts ... your single status I mean ... and yes do get married ... life is not just about being happy is it..??

Salil said...

Thank you for sharing this once again. Had another round of good laughter. And brought back memories of MS days.
You know what I did on my last anniversary - gifted my wife a blog. Guess what, I got away with it!
Yeah, woman, you never cease to surprise… :-)
Cheers,

I Witness said...

Heyy Salil...

Thanks for coming by and recording your comment... You know what for a moment I thought I too shall copy you and for my wife's next birthday gift her a blog... but then on reconsideration I thought it wiser not to as what will I answer her her if she asks me .."look at Salil's blog for his wife, its got ten times the comments that your blog for me has..."

Hmmmm....

shri ramesh sadasivam said...

It was like watching a comedy movie with a romantic touch. :)

Anna Bond said...

From my personal experiences, flowers almost always work. :)

Good one.

Priya Prem said...

You pretty much know what women are made off...I don't like diamonds or flowers or cards, the gift need not be expensive, but I'd love the gift to be personal and thoughtful...can't understand why guys wait for the last minute to make the purchase :-)and why they would consult others when they know their women best...or do they???:-)Love it if my husband could cook for me on my bday...not the scrambled eggs which he so often makes, something out of the ordinary, an effort worth the appreciation :-) We are enigmatic for sure...nice read

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